10 things you won’t hear in the debate Wednesday.
1. Romney: I’m rich. Really, really rich. So? Admit it, you love my life. You want my life. You want to make love to my life and have a million babies with it.
3. Romney: I may be a Mormon, but the guy behind the other podium is a moron. Did you catch that? Wordplay!
4. Obama: I had gay sex in college with some dude in my choom gang….We were high and bored. It was okay I guess. We both had the munchies so bad we ordered Chick Fil-A right after. Whatever. Next question.
5. Romney: I love Ann but my other wives are better cooks.
6. Obama: Well, since you asked, mostly I’m looking at ESPN on my Ipad during all those tiresome national security briefings. I mean everyday it’s just Putin this and Syria that, Blah, blah, blah. I’m all like ‘tell Hillary all this crap. I’m trying to figure out how the Ryder Cup works.’
7. Romney: The reason I’m rich is because I invented staples. Not the store, the little metal clasps. They’re quite handy if you think about. I stapled something just the other day. A menu or something.
8. Obama: Let’s just get this shit over with so I can start building my gawddamn library.
9. Romney: I’m sorry I saved the Winter Olympics. I mean curling? What the hell is curling?
And he last thing you won’t hear at the debate on Wednesday night is:
10: Obama: Osama Bin Laden is not really dead. He’s consulting on the Warner Bros biopic of his life which is shooting in New Orleans for some reason. Tax rebates I think. Joaquin Phoenix is playing Bin Laden. He’s quite good. I mean he’s like totally going to win an Oscar. Meryl Streep is playing Valerie Jarrret. It goes without saying her performance is a tour de force. She becomes Valerie Jarrett. It’s uncanny. I think they cast that guy from Doogie Howser to play me. Did you know that guy is gay in real life…which I’m not…except that one time in college….